Monday, May 12, 2014

a conversation with angela jamison

My fellow teacher Angela Jamison, whom I've only met once or twice in passing, recently posted this entry in her blog:
http://www.insideowl.com/

It rankled me, I must confess.  So I did some internet snooping, made some unscientific analyses, and then reached out to her privately in a facebook chat.  I didn't want to get into a big comment tete-a-tete.  As it turns out, the conversation was illuminating.  So much so that we decided to publish it jointly.  Here it is, in mostly full form.  Only some names and naughty language (mostly from me, it is one of trademarks much to my mother's chagrin) have been edited out and redacted.  Keep in mind that was a real-time conversation, and not necessarily meant to be polished writing.  Enjoy:


PATRICK
hi angela,
i wanted to ask you about your latest blog privately.  i hope you don't mind.  it pricked up my ears, so to speak. i went and looked at the kpjayi teachers list and counted the certified teachers and eye-balled the authorized ones. of the forty four certified teachers listed, fourteen are women.  the authorized teachers, at first glance, appear more balanced.  i would say maybe 45 percent women, maybe even more.  of course economic class and sexual orientation are not indicated on the list.  but at least from the gender perspective, it's not as bad as the 90% white male number you are suggesting.  i really hate to be a nudnik, but while i stand with you against structural racism and sexism i don't think you are being fair.  at least viz. the ashtanga scene.  i don't think i'm missing your point, with which i agree.  help me out, please
patrick

ANGELA
How can I help you?

PATRICK
sorry, i was going to write more
but i saw you had seen my salutation
so i got self conscious
and cut it short
intellectual laziness.  my bad

ANGELA
You're talking to a statistician, here

PATRICK
shit
i wish my wife were here, she's a supply chain forecaster

ANGELA
I wonder, what other metrics might you consider when looking at the power structure?

PATRICK
there are many, yes

ANGELA
Well I'm off the stats game... finally quit academia in 2011 so it's rusty.

PATRICK
like the ones the list doesn’t show
sexual orientation, class, etc.

ANGELA
right, but also, does the list of auth'd teachers constitute a hierarchy?
i can think of arguments that it does not.

PATRICK
i guess i'm afraid that somebody who doesn't agree with us about power/gender issues might pounce on the number discrepancy that i saw
yes, you're right of the senior senior old timers it's still something of a boys' club

ANGELA
yes
so for comparison, what about certified?

PATRICK
i can think of [redacted]
but more boys

ANGELA
recently?

PATRICK
[redacted]
but it's been boys so far

ANGELA
[redacted]
i want to affirm that i love white straight boys. A LOT. 
i actually don't think that the power structure is about the certification game at KPJ
but i wanted to offer that as the most obvious other metric
given your approach of using the KPJ auth’d list

PATRICK
not very scientific, to be sure

ANGELA
what interests me is, rather, the boys club that you mention.
the tendency that i have, and that most of us have, to think "what would the white man say?"
that's not about what happens in India
that's embedded in our own minds
i want to affirm that i mean no harm to our practice

PATRICK
of course not
your love is evident

ANGELA
if you think that my work is damaging to ashtanga, that's important feedback

PATRICK
as i hope mine is too

ANGELA
i admire our community SO INSANELY MUCH, in part because we have strong personalities that check each other

PATRICK
damaging is a bit of a strong word
the fact that this made me uncomfortable clearly is an indicator of the problem
no?

ANGELA
this post was inspired by my four apprentices, who constitute a diverse group

PATRICK
interesting!!!
i went through a personal inventory:

ANGELA
yesterday we had an apprentice meeting and they asked me why the race-gender-sexuality situation is so bad in our practice

PATRICK
my teacher is a woman, my wife is a woman of color, our teaching staff has a latina and a gay woman, etc.

ANGELA
then they asked why i, as a sociologist, had failed to take a stand about it
so i acted
rock on, my friend

PATRICK
thank you, but my point was i shouldn't have to gone through all that checklist

ANGELA
would it be interesting to hear the first lines of defense that i've been trained - with a sociology phd - to look for when challenging power structures?

PATRICK
my father always said "a guilty conscience needs no accuser:
yes, please

ANGELA
wow. honestly, if we can both look at what is bothersome about this post for you, we'll both learn something

PATRICK
i'm down if you are

ANGELA
for me, if there are ways that i can be more intellectually honest, and more loyal to ashtanga, and thus get through to doubters, then i need to do that
for you, i'm not saying this is what's up - i don't think we've even met in person so I don't know you at all - but the first defenses to look for are these:
First, tokenism.

PATRICK
like our president
ANGELA
that's putting a woman or gay man on the dais with the white guys
yes, and obama
because the human mind thinks in specifics not generalizations
so the easiest way to say "nuh uh" is to have a case we can point to that somehow disproves the argument of inequality
tokens are interesting because the fact that they are needed really illustrates the desperation of the situation. they're a last ditch on part of power structures to prevent REVOLUTION

PATRICK
gotcha

ANGELA
so my blog post was actually formulated in my mind as a question to the panel at the confluence
[redacted] …and that's kind of an illustration of the second line of defense of the status quo

PATRICK
which is?

ANGELA
the "we're all one" and "race is not who i am" response
 the "we're all just individuals" and race - sex- gender isn't who we are line

PATRICK
how stephen colbert always says he doesn't see color

ANGELA
that's a way of keeping things atomized

PATRICK
totally

ANGELA
i don’t see race either, but just because i don't want to look there doesn't mean that's a very important collective samskara
when i catch myself in this line of thinking, i wonder... if there are social samskaras i refuse to see, how much more of my own personal samskaras am i willfully not seeing?
make sense?
like, reality has layers

PATRICK
a funny aside:  i'm doing a sutras workshop and one of the students brought up if whole groups, eg., african americans, could have a collective karma

ANGELA
both the "race doesn't matter" and the "race matters" arguments are the case
WOW
i used to think "collective unconscious" was BS

PATRICK
heavy question, right?

ANGELA
but i dunno
yeah, heavy question. so good.

PATRICK
i don't think i answered very well, i'm embarrassed to say
i had no clue

ANGELA
yeah, especially since being white it's hard for us to talk about blackness
at least for me, after a decade trying to learn in academia. still hard.
and i teach outside detroit
this is a big deal… [redacted]

ANGELA
and that's with me working my butt off to be a good teacher to my students of color and learn from them about race
i just have to be straight up with them and say, listen, if i'm being unconscious, i need you to tell me so i can learn. i don't have any models of mysore teachers i can look to who are really conscious about race.
and i wish i did.
[redacted]

PATRICK
i think we've digressed
are there other lines of defense?
it all seems so insidious, if you let it be
which is what you are getting at about being awake, no?

ANGELA
um, sorry about disappearing
i just had to catch my two cats and put them in the basement with me down here
tornado sirens blaring
anyway, yes
so tell me, do you think the post i wrote is flawed?

PATRICK
hmm... flawed?
it made me uncomfortable, which is probably what you wanted on some level

ANGELA
yes
did it open your heart though?

PATRICK
well i wrote you, didn't i?

ANGELA
i want to be analytically strong, but also compassionate

PATRICK
yes you did

ANGELA
have we met?

PATRICK
i think i may remember you
from my 2nd trip
i had just gotten there and the shala was going to be closed on a sunday and bunch of people practiced up at alex's place

ANGELA
oh yes, i was there that day!
interesting

PATRICK
than we've been in the same room, but not spoken

ANGELA
well lets remedy that in person eventually

PATRICK
yes
absolutely

ANGELA
thanks for reaching out

PATRICK
yes, thanks for taking the time
to talk it through

ANGELA
yes, i'm super glad you said something
i hope that we all can do better, for our students' sake

PATRICK
you know, i can tell you my initial response to your blog in one sentence,
now that i've thought about it

ANGELA
yes?

PATRICK
"that may be the case for other yoga scenes, but we're better than that in ashtanga"
knee-jerk tribalism
what can i say?

ANGELA
do you think that others would have that thought?

PATRICK
i'm afraid so.  that's why i reached out to you, i reckon

ANGELA
i totally have that tribalism part of me, too. I think it's healthy in some ways, but we also fall back on it when we need to move forward sometimes...
do you think you would feel comfortable commenting on the post about this, for others who might give you more credibility than they might give me?
fine to say no - you've been really open with me in private and i want to honor that

PATRICK
this may sound crazy,
but i think i would feel more comfortable putting out this whole conversation
so people could get the back and forth and such
would that be tedious?

ANGELA
yes but there is one caveat, and that is that i talked with you openly about my relationships with teachers. i consider this sacred and not for public comment. could we put the whole thing out with my edits on that one topic?

PATRICK
and our apprentices too

ANGELA
yes, by all means
oh, good point. yes, we can add a note that this was edited to remove references to people

PATRICK
i think this is REALLY interesting, actually
now i'm getting kinda excited

ANGELA
and am happy to have it out there
do you want to put it on your blog?

PATRICK
let's pull the trigger

ANGELA
boom 
love ya, man

PATRICK
i haven't blogged in forever, but we could do it on both of our blogs
love ya back
got it. since i'm stuck in the basement waiting for this tornado to pass, i'll edit it now and send it

PATRICK
jesus

ANGELA
good times in the midwest!
ok, 15 min
PATRICK
we have more warning for our hurricanes
so yes, i'm going to water my lawn and we can double post

Chat Conversation End
THIS CHAT WAS EDITED TO REMOVE DIRECT OR INDIRECT REFERENCES TO PEOPLE. THAT’S OUT OF RESPECT FOR INDIVIDUALS, AND BECAUSE NO SPECIFIC CHARACTERS IN THIS STORY MATTER. WE PUBLISH THIS AS A VIEWPOINT ON PATTERNS IN HISTORY. AJ 

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